Wanting is not wanting

Everyone's sexual desires vary throughout their lives, both in the short and long term. It is therefore completely normal not to always want to. However, in a couple or polyamorous relationship, lack of desire or a mismatch of desires can become a problem if your desires do not match those of your partner(s). On the other hand, lack of desire can also be frustrating for those living alone.

What is worth knowing about reluctance and the disparity of desires, and can anything be done about them?

Disparity of desires is more common than reluctance

Very often people talk about lack of desire, even though in reality it is a matter of mismatched or non-reciprocal desires. It is rare for sexual desires to disappear completely, if they have ever existed. It is more likely that desires are temporarily lower than usual, for example due to natural changes, life circumstances or illness, or they simply need to be aroused.

Desires can just as well exist as usual, but only at different times with your partner(s). To your partner(s), the situation often appears as a rejection and is easily interpreted as unwillingness.

Reluctance is a difficult thing even for the unwilling

We usually start talking about actual unwillingness when the situation has continued for more than six months. Reluctance is not something that cannot be changed, but no one can be changed or forced to change.

Reluctance is usually a difficult thing for all parties involved, including the person experiencing the reluctance. Reluctance is easily associated with frustration, shame, and even sadness. It is not worth being alone with these issues. Relationship and sexual counseling or therapy can help you deal with situations that seem difficult.

Reluctance doesn't always depend on the duration of the relationship

It's true that the initial rush of a relationship is often accompanied by increased sexual desire. Your partner is wonderful and your hormones are racing with infatuation or falling in love. Everything is new and unexplored, and you can't get enough of your partner. Many people may imagine that their own charm has disappeared or that the relationship is at an end, when at some point, quite naturally, the initial rush begins to wane.

However, a long-term relationship, polyamorous relationship, or marriage does not automatically mean that your sex life will decline or even stop. Generalizing “women are the ones who push and men are the ones who pull” thinking patterns are also wrong and even harmful. Reluctance can be experienced by anyone at any stage of a relationship or even when they are single.

Sometimes life comes between desires

Stressful life situations, stress, fatigue and health problems are very common reasons behind lack of desire. They can also affect the physical side, for example by making it difficult to achieve orgasm, wetness or cause erection problems. These are often accompanied by mutual frustration and even shame.

It is good to remember that desire does not only mean the desire for intercourse. Even in a challenging situation, other forms of touching, kissing and enjoying the body and intimacy of another person can act as a force supporting the relationship. If you want, you can also give and receive pleasure in many ways, and intercourse is by no means the only way to have sex. However, you should always respect your own or your partner's reluctance and act within that framework. Relationship problems are reflected in desires

Couples and polyamorous relationships are wholes where everything affects everything else. Possible problems in other areas of the relationship are also very easily visible as a decrease in sexual desire. Sometimes, the loss of desire can be a symptom of something rather than an actual problem. In that case, it is also not worth trying to solve the situation based on the lack of desire, but rather take the actual problems in the relationship into consideration with the help of a professional.

It's easier to want good things.

Ultimately, the reason behind the reluctance is very rarely that you don't find your partner attractive or that your previous sex life together was good and sexually satisfying.

However, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sex can sometimes get sidetracked and become a necessary evil that is quickly and routinely dealt with. Of course, this may be fine for some, but many people crave connection, intimacy, and mutual pleasure from sex. Sexual desire suffers when sex doesn't provide the connection or other things that are essential to them.

It is important to express your wishes and needs out loud and discuss them with your partner. This is the only way to know what kind of things both partners want from sex and intimacy.

Desire is a collaboration between body and mind

Desire is not only physical or psychological, but also a collaboration between the mind and body. This is what often makes it especially difficult! Sometimes the mind craves sex, but for some reason the body cannot keep up with the desire, or vice versa. The most frustrating situation is often when you want to have sex, but your body is holding you back. In this case, you can get help from various products that stimulate physical desire, stimulating creams or, for example, sex toys.

Desires arise spontaneously or when aroused

Sexual desires can arise spontaneously, i.e. without any particular triggers. However, responsive desire is very common, in which the awakening of sexual desires requires various stimuli, an erotically charged atmosphere or a suitable environment. Many people recognize in themselves a greater emphasis on one or the other manifestation of sexual desire, but these often alternate in the same person.

So desires may sometimes need a little stimulation, and a lack of spontaneous sexual desire does not necessarily mean a complete lack of sexual desire. However, it cannot be said that sexual desires can always be aroused with the right atmosphere and stimuli. In some cases, however, they can also help. It is important that the unwilling party feels safe, is not pressured into anything, and has permission to stop at any time.

Respect your own and your partner's feelings

Your own and your partner's desires or reluctance should always be respected. No one should be forced to want sex or, especially, to have it, not even yourself. Sometimes, reluctance can even get worse if, despite your reluctance, you have sex to please your partner.

Rarely does even the partner enjoy a situation where the other party to the sex is involved just to please.

It is important to remember that the perspective of both the person who wants sex and the person who doesn't is equally right and important. The unwilling person is not "wrong", even if the unwillingness affects the relationship and sex. The unwillingness does not necessarily need to be "fixed" and is not a problem if the parties in the relationship do not see it as a problem. However, in many relationships, sex is a central part of the physicality of the relationship and in such cases it is good to look for ways to resolve the situation together.

Sometimes the solution can be as simple as investing in your sex life together, finding new stimuli, and exploring different ways to enjoy yourself. However, aversion can be a very complex phenomenon with many different causes.

Fortunately, help is available and it's worth seeking it <3

At Erotic Time, we have both inspiration for arousing mutual desire and sexual counseling services.

Best regards,

Girls of the Erotic Era